Plop myself right in the middle with a boat and see where else I can go. Who
knows... *shrug*

Didn't have to great of a day today. *shrug* I have a client that calls
nearly 24 hours a day with no exception. It's getting nasty and I wish he
would stop. So I brush him off to my "boss" - coworker kinda guy who takes
care of the invoicing and such... And the old job called today needing help
with their servers. I told this client today that my cell phone was a
private line and no longer a business line. He didn't really appreciate it
but I could care less.

I'm kind thinking like... you should have freaking thought about that long
ago before everything got the way that it did.

So now I am stuck having to write a freakin manual before 1 pm tomorrow on a
pretty advanced backend system that runs a website and it's databases and
how it works with everything.

I'll be going by myself so it will be interesting to see what happens.

I'm really tired of people taking advantage of me and it stops today. The
only reason I had people walk on me in the past was because I needed the
money to survive but now the tables have changed and I'm not putting up with
this shit anymore. I can't be who I am and deliver the creative side of my
brain the way I know I can deliver unless I have the restraints pushed
aside.

I'm tired of ministries especially taking advantage of me. No more folks..
Point blank.

So I have sat here at work for a while... and now I am going home... i can
play another day.

Can't quite describe it... About 1:30 this afternoon I checked out. Something yawned in my soul and I was ready to take the rest of the day off.

I went back to the office... took care of a few things here and there... 2:30 I packed my stuff up and shut down the computers and left....

Co-workers didn't even flinch. Being part owner of the company was probably the reason. Granted let me tell you that my dry erase board is FULL of things I need to do and my work load is pretty heavy at the moment with pressing projects... Closing the door behind me I flipped off my business switch and wanted to wander for awhile... Cellphone got turned off. I'm out folks.

I felt stirred in the "insides of me" today just for a moment of some down time by myself and without my friggin cellphone haunting me with 20 questions and minus traffic and idiots in general. It was time to put everything in sleep mode... chill for a sec.

To describe the "insides of me" thing today?... it's quite simply like this....


It's like a vicarious pining breath shaped within our souls crafted by the Master hand so perfectly that the signature of his work is a glowing fire. It's like pottery.. you don't know the worth of the piece until you turn it over to see the masters mark.

But so often we don't handle the pottery and don't turn it over to look and see who was the original designer... Today it felt like someone picked me up and checked the marks on the underneath side and some glow escaped. Nothing of my own doing... and not of my choosing... but totally from the Masters hand.

I know that sounds tragically cliche' and to some it might seem conceited if percevied wrong... but how else to describe it...It's like trying to describe what wind looks like to someone who has been blind all their life.

I saw this most glorious sunset tonight.... It was shocking... I actually didn't mind sitting at the red light tonight and a camera wouldn't have captured the full breadth of how incredible it was...Piercing golden...

So the events of my afternoon are secret minus this one detail... I finally got a perspective I never saw before and I feel somewhat ashamed how I didn't have my eyes open the whole time... It was like being dusted off a bit... I was a bit blown away by the story.. and to know that this afternoon is just the comma, waiting on the end of the sen

Got my last check today. Final closure on everything. It's kinda spooky stomping off in a new direction. But that small voice said tonight when I walked in my apartment.... "It's all a good thing and a good change... and tomorrow will be ok."

I'm back in oklahoma this weekend. Going to paint my grandparents house on the inside and might take a look at the well house and see how hard it would be to replace the door.

Did I mention that I am an incredible introvert? I really like working from home when it is quiet and no one is bothering me. Hopefully tomorrow will be like that in the office. I don't have time for folks to dictate what all needs to be done since there are 300 things I need to do and accomplish.

It will be good driving by myself this weekend. I have wanted to do that for a long time. So many trips and things to do I have done with other people but I have found that the times that I really get things back together in my head are when I am alone and have time to think.

I'm not sure of the whole psycho-analysis behind everything but you know I really like being alone. I really like being on my own and free and not tied down to anything and it bothers me when I have to be tied down. I'm not sure where that came from but it has caused it's fair share of headaches. Everyone needs to be grounded on solid ground.... I tend to think like an eagle and reach for the sky and see where I can go.

So I'm looking foward to the drive. Moving in a direction alone on a mission.

I'm the nightmare for folks who have to have complete stability..

Right now... i'm so burned out on business and working. The last 3 years have been rough and hectic... i'm in a place now where i'm going off into uncharted territory. It will be interesting... I just don't want to be confined to a cubicle again. I'm not a cubicle warmer. I will never be a cubicle warmer. I don't believe man was created to sit infront of computers all the time and revolve their life around it.

So I might have some animocity about tomorrow.... but I think it will be fine... good directions...

Since friday so many things have happened and transpired i'm still dazed and have a slight headache now. Headspin folks.

Was on the way to a funeral friday when I got a phone call to meet at my folks house, we were going to oklahoma because my grandmother had a stroke. So I grab my backpack and stuff a few clothes... and dash for my folks house.

I get mom and get a tank of gas and we made the 6 hour drive in 4.5 hours (never saw a cop). Get to the hospital and grandma really looks like she is singing her last note. (Mom promised to never tell dad the 90 to 100 mph we did the whole way so I wouldn't get chewed out... she said that she would have done the same if she was driving anways so ...)

We hang out there and see the doctor who was attending and grill him for all he knew. There was a small blockage in the left occipital lobe which affected some of her speech and mobility. Our other family look like deer in headlights not understanding a word he is saying so it was pretty good that me and mom were there to explain later.

During the neuro exam that test reflexes and such she had problems with the left side of her face and issues with her tounge. Long story short.... when she was asleep...she looked just like my great grandmother did before she died.

We get back to their house and see that she has been sick for probably weeks because everything is in disarray. Both mom and I dropped our stuff at the door and start cleaning.

Mind you grandpa had been complaning that he couldn't breathe and we later found out why. I swept up several pan fulls of dust and mildew in places. The dust in their bedroom alone was enough to kill me.

There was rotten apples in the back bedroom they had forgot about so that bag was thrown away. My other aunt who drove up from texas (not near as fast) followed me outside when I needed a ciggy and asked me if I had a weak stomach.... I said pretty much nothing bothers me


(Cisco just got in my lap and needed to suck on my thumb how sweet - anways... I'm trying to figure out what he got this gash in his head from while I was gone. He tore a hunk of grey hair out on top of his head.)

Well she tells me that something is leaking from the toilet and she thinks it might have been someone who missed when sitting down. So I said I'll clean it up.

Mind you the well water my grandparents have comes out 54 degrees year round. The well is over 120 feet deep into the sweetest tasting water I have ever found. It's pretty funny because my uncle tried digging another well about 60 yards away and it turned up as sulfur water...

Well when its warm inside during the winter and even during the summer that cold water sits in the toilet tanks. Just like a water glass it starts condensing outside giving the nastiest mold you can find the chance to grow.

I see what my aunt was talking about dripped in the floor... but I look up under because I knew it wasn't anything fecal in nature... it was just dripping mold from the backside of the tank. 50 years worth of black mold and mildew and a brown recluse that climbed up my hand while cleaning it all out. It just started coming loose when there were so many people in the house and the toilet flushed more frequently giving that cold water more chances to condense on the outside.

So basically the entire house was pretty much a disaster... After cleaning I took the storm windows down on the outside of the house and opened the windows to let it air out a bit. I sat on the porch and had some really great long conversations with my grandfather. We got out my gun and started target shooting for awhile.

I was getting out about 50 yards away with my uncles black lab sitting down next to me and was able to ping the red circle in the 7up can a few times. Considering how windy it was you couldn't really do much unless it was calm, but nonetheless.

So all in all there were a few times to relax and just have some fun. There was a few laughs and what not.

Grandma is finally back home now. She has improved greatly from the stroke. Motor skills are doing fine but still needs to walk with a cane anywhere she goes.

I might be going back next weekend and again on easter to help do some things around the house they need done. Such is the life of an aging family you need to take care of.

(Really need to fix the door to their well house since it is rotting next to the door facings and take the toilets out and clean the rest of the mold from the walls and the tanks.)

Get back home and sign the papers at Lake Arlington and now I'm scott free from them. It's excellent. Such a relief. I'm no longer a prisoner.

New business... new haircut... and my car got the bugs cleaned off of it finally.

On the lineup for something pretty cool in the horizon... We will see.

They are gone: (to protect their name incase someone pulls a google search about their name and this blog comes up they will be known as Large Arctic Blue Clocks.) For those who know me you know what I am talking about...

(oh by the way I got in my map of the british isles hand colored in 1781. George Washington wasn't even president yet! It looks good under my other antique map from 1634)


So this website I talked about the other day.... It's complete (not exactly to my standards and preferences) but functional nonetheless and minus the bells and whistles that would make it snap.

My old supervisor who I have talked about in previous posts made a fatal mistake this morning. He picked up the phone and called "Taxcake" who has hosted this large system for many years free of charge trying to find out information about how I do my job. Take in mind... they have 7 domains that hosts all of Large Arctic Blue Clocks system. As large as it is... it would be $30 per month per domain for all the database systems and what not that are involved. Thats $210 dollars a month for this bandwidth eater to run it's system.

Large Arctic Blue Clocks wanted me to sign all these legal documents about job description and requirements the first of the year and I didn't because I knew the new company was right around the corner and we would overtake my employee position as a client of our new company. Soon I was receiving threats from Large Arctic Blue Clocks ... (note previous post).. and you should see the awesome email I received..

I have never laughed so hard my entire life. BUT stoopid face decided to find out all the info he did... and didn't realize what he was about to walk into.

So now Large Arctic Blue Clocks has a nice dedicated hosting plan they will start paying. They were also notified that I do extensive work with "TaxCake" and if they want future work from me that they will have to get a quote and "Stephen" will manage the accounts and payments and timeframe schedules.

"Steven" is also walking in with me Monday Morning to be sure that I will not be cornered and threatened by anyone at Large Arctic Blue Clocks and his comment with a hidden grin... " I'm just protecting the future work of a possible client of our new company"


HELLO ACCOUNTABILITY HAS FINALLY MARCHED IN THE DOOR. No more yelling at me on the phone. No more leashes and choke chains and anxiety attacks at night. I"M RELEASED!!!! YES... finally...

But here is another side: I know this individual who was probably the worst project manager I have ever come across (mind you he got his masters in music and not business management) and a prick at that. I should have always trusted my gut instinct! I said that about "Edward" the first time he came to Large Arctic Blue Clocks and I helped him get settled into the organization. He backstabbed me later so I was like jumping up and down... DANGIT I KNEW IT ABOUT YOU...


And "Jasper"... Oh my gosh I have heard him talk in staff meetings before at Large Arctic Blue Clocks and if he finds the smallest thing an issue with someone it suddenly becomes an expose of their innermost lives. Spewed trash and backstabbing slander.

I have sat in many meetings and listened to his uneducated responses to issues and problems with folks where you could practically hear the scream of everyone in their heads saying... "SHUT UP"

And I know he has said something about me and in some ways it bothers me... As pissed as I have made him in the last month or so I could only begin to imagine the filth that came out of his mouth about me. I realized this whenever I went to pick up a check and a secretary turned around who I have been great friends with for many years (preformed at her sons wedding an all) gave me this ill look of shock. I even asked her... "Are you okay?" Thinking that something was really wrong.

I'm pained. Because if you take this guy... and about 2 others in leadership out of the organization it would really be an incredible place to work and do what I call real ministry... all the good stuff that is right in the eyes of society and even folks who might frown on churches...

.......tsk tsk tsk..


So Large Arctic Blue Clocks is up a creek because they are about to find out what it costs to do the kind of websites they are trying to do professionally when I was doing it for about a quarter of the price. And instead of free hosting... *OUCH* $210 per month dedicated server solution...

And intimidating and yelling at a company for things can be incredibly dangerous.

In an overview of the last 3 years of Large Arctic Blue Clocks this is what I have noticed:

The lifeblood of the church (that core group of authentic people who really were downhome honest and sincere with anyone and everything) - they left and started a new church.... That church has gone crazy and they have folks in their building who wouldn't step foot in a church... Reminds me very much of Jordans and Dee's church. So after those folks left.... the lifeblood went out and everyone scrambled and licked their wounds and pouted... then everyone started going off in other directions.

BUT GUYS

I'm free from them

You don't know how much that means the stress level will come down. I can work and develop some badass software for "TaxCake" and "QuickBooks" and make things that PEOPLE WILL USE ON A DAILY BASIS THAT WILL HELP THEM... instead of advertising an organization that has brutally attacked me and saw no grace even when I was ill or had surgeries. I don't have to have anxiety attacks at 3 am because I'm so tired I need to sleep and have to make some stupid deadline just so joe blow in the church congregation can browse a webpage once and never go back.

It's dawn now. So pretty outside.

So you know what my goal is now: Healing from this whole ordeal. And I think the lower stress level will help tremendously to accomplish that. The other goal is to focus on my friends and family... and be who I am ...

I wish it could be dawn and dusk all the time... such awesome times of the day...

I got a phonecall tonight. Mind you I have a website that I said would be up on wednesday... this was monday when they said they would have all the content to me... I get it yesterday at 4:30 pm and expected to make magic happen and poof walla... So based on their inability to get me content in a timely manner I need more time... they call me...

.... It's 10 pm the website is not up.... GET IT UP!

... tsk tsk tsk. It's such a sad thing. AND the most amazing thing is this is a CHURCH we are dealing with here. CHURCH PEOPLE..... the nice smiley make you feel warm and welcomed and lets be friends people.

I need to make this rant once and only once from the depths of me. This is it spilled out folks. HARDCORE the way it is.

I find it incredibly amazing the arrogance and absolute bullshit that some christians display who are LEADERS of their churches and organizations.

May I mention I have had the most belittling and threatening conversation I have ever had on the phone with a "Christian" who I was doing business with. This man is seen often on Channel 5 and is considered a pillar of the economic financial community. He speaks to thousands of people ... but yet he threatened the reputation of my business .... I even asked him if he was threatening me which made him stutter...

I'm amazed at the sunday church crowd that goes out to eat and tips nil to nothing and makes outrageous demands on their servers. They are snotty and condesending.

I can go on an on and on.

You know what. I declare I am a Christian. I'll clear my throat and speak louder into that microphone for those who might not have been paying attention in the back.

But I refuse to be some superficial bullshit idiot drooling in a pew and listening to happy sermons and thinking life is zen for my life and everyone elses when outside the church walls there are the real folks of the world that Christ died for who half don't have a clue that they are loved by their Creator. You know... the outcasts... the folks people don't want to associate with... those who just don't have it all together...

Thats the folks Christ hung out with. - The prostitutes... the tax collectors... all the folks whom most of society saw as folks they didn't want to deal with.

Don't get me wrong here... Christ died for all. There is no divison line. IT'S EQUAL FOR EVERYONE ANYWHERE. But at the same time I'm really burdened and ate up corrosively about the actions and demeanor of our CHRISTIAN LEADERS who behind the scenes are asses.

You know what, it's rattling because it makes me think.... Dang Gina.. who is a good example around here. It kills trust and really tears deep scars.

I'm no perfect Christian. I smoke, I drink... I have the same issues that anyone else does.. To some they have already written me off as being a non-christian just because of the last statement. And that makes my blood curdle because I would love to place them in my shoes and place them in the experiences I have lived and see what decisions they make right or left...... It's funny folks... Tonight all I could do is laugh.


Bottom Line.... Be weary of those who call themselves Christians. Find out what is really behind the scenes and in their hearts. See if they get the point... Not some seminary trained bullshit excuse answers, but heart to heart man to man kind of talk that really stirs up something in positive directions and is consistent over time. I've met a few of those people in my lifetime and they wont easily be forgotten. Be wise of the christian "worker bees" who get so caught up in working for their faith they miss the target by ignorance. There is a proverb that says" As Iron Sharpens Iron so a man sharpens another"

Iron and flint make sparks... I have been seeing way to many sparks from the flintrock Christians who really make the faith look bad when they go around and try to strike against the iron of another man and fail due to the lack of depth and reality of how the world works outside the church walls. I'll be the first to raise my hand that I'm not perfect and I can be accused of the same things I am talking about. However, I still strive to be transparent AND will endeavor to do so as long as I have breath. If it can't be real, it's not worth living.

End of rant. I'm shutting off the mike and finishing up this website for these folks inspite of them. I can't control their actions but I can control mine and I can rest in the fact that if I am satisfied in the product of my creativity that it is good work.

Wisdom...

I swear I'm the king of random at times. What the heck kind of title is that.

I have a lot on my brain right now. I haven't written much due to the fact that I am always infront of a computer... so the interesting recordings of my life actually go in simple pen and paper... this incredible journal my friend in Nashville gave me the last time I was in Panama City Beach. It's pretty sweet. Leatherbound... no lines on the pages... this cool celtic cross on the front and even my name emblazoned in gold in the corner which has become rather worn over the years...

I think most of that content is prayers... musings. I read through it the other week and realized that a few things needed to be burned. Not bad stuff I wrote or evil secrets or anything... just...

... it just felt good burning a few pages. It was a few points in life I would rather forget years down the road when I pick it back up. It was just crap and really nothing serious... ... it just felt like a release burning a few things...

HA I found some things from jr high that night... some really scary nasty poems probably from when I was at my worst and you know that whole teenage angst bullcrap we all go through. Those got burned. I read a few before they got tossed on the duraflame. I got depressed just thinking about the fact I wrote em.. So with a shrugged off expression I tossed them..

and a dollar bill that burned really cool... I had never seen money burn before and it's really strange kinda cool.. the ash still held the ink and such...

I heard the north wind cadence again today... I'll try to explain...

On the couch at my parents house... just finished cleaning my apartment and wanted to chill out for awhile... my folks were outside smoking and I was watching this incredible show about Tuscany... It was on the food network.. but nonetheless...

I'm dead serious that I would love to start completely over somewhere... take a few momentos that would fit in my backpack.. sell the rest... and walk away... I'm telling you I practically was already living it in my mind....

It's that north wind cadence... sometimes I can't hear it's call because I get caught up in the bullcrap of life and stress of work... I end up smeared with stress and it's hard to listen closely to that heartbeat singing in the background...

It's one life to live... i have this moment now or never. And dang it sometimes.... (lately all the time) I forget this. And it pisses me off. The North Wind Cadence started in west texas... it took me to china, japan... mexico... colorado... british columbia... It even took me to just across the fence where this lake is... and on the pier at Port Aransas alone...

It walked me down the beaches of Panama City.... and chuckled when drinking a beer in Atlanta... laughed in Chicago... and mused in Milwaukee...

It paused while watching the Amish carriages drive down the road in Carslile, PA - and crooned while hiking part of the Appalchian Trail...

It was tight fisted on Mount Elbert... and spoke valor and depth watching the moon over the desert in Jeff Davis County...

It was laying on the beach in Panama City at 3 in the morning looking at the stars and feeling like the whole sky pressing down on my chest...

Watching snow fall in the mountains... and tasting woodsmoke in the air.

It was the simple quilt on the bed of a 60 year old cabin that reminded me of my great-grandmothers quilt.

It's a cadence. I can't explain it... it just bellows a song and it's not like this mushy garbage all sentimental crap. It's this living breathing sprit inside me that lists two and fro... port to bow... pitch and yaw... and it can't stop.


It's like this incredible gift. And I hate it when it is stolen and baggage claimed in hell.

But I have something to look foward to... my best friend and I .... and mom and Pam... we are giving in and going to colorado in not to much longer... I'm excited and can't wait... it was like Guadalupe just a few weeks ago was a tease. Gosh I love it there.

This sounds crazy but I absolutely love the fact I can go into the guys bathroom there and sit on the pot and look out the window and freakin see MOUNTAINS. Disgusting huh?

You know what else is apart of the cadence...

Carlsbad New Mexico: Wal-Mart parking lot... in the span of 12 min I hear a rooster crowing in the back of a truck on the way in... and the way out hear the sleighbell sound of moose slippers on a woman who probably didn't shave her legs in years... bright brass bells... jingling on their march inside walmart.


This is funny... don't take offense: driving nearly the entire state of texas for 3 days coming up with as many combinations and contortions of "Cunt" we possibly could. It is no longer a cuss word... It's officially a warped area of my brain. It's Swiffered, and Cuntless in Seattle... and well I'll be Cunt Brown it's written in History.

It's the funny exaggerations of how high and how close to the edge I was in the Window - and watching my mother squirm when she hears about the push and grab... Thanks bro. It was the spice of life.

This is funny: - at the time I was as pissed at my dad as I could have ever been but it was the drive back home on 287 where he thought it was his turn to drive and he grabbed the wheel...

You know the funniest pain I have ever had was when I broke my ribs on the Titan at Sixflags... every time I would laugh I would double over in pain and nearly die... but it was the greatest pain ever... It's been years later but I still have a sore spot where I probably have a hairline crack still there.... laughing too terribly hard will either put me in a coughing fit and then I get a painful tingle...

Dang that was the best sneeze I ever had just now..... wow...

Okay you gotta hear this.... the best most incredible piss shiver I got was in Odessa Texas. It was late at night and freezing cold in the bathroom. I did my business and got the shiver that shook my entire body and like it was like 5 seconds and WOW. Like after that I felt like I was about to win the presidential election. It was just the best ever... so refreshing... a bit punctured by the fact that it was after taking a leak.. but I"M SERIOUS... It was INNNNNNNNcredible...


I digress for tonight. I have to muse about the trouble I am going to get into with Jason in colorado. I'm already packing and it's 2 months away.