Kinda strange. Heart racing. Lightheaded. Been going to the bathroom alot. No headaches thankfully. Tried playing piano and some of my coordination is kinda strange. Dull or slow on the draw. Vision is still kinda far fetched. I even asked. "Okay God, whats wrong here i'm more abnormal than normal"

Heh. abnormal. GO ME.

Not sure. Maby tired is catching up with me. You know otherwise I feel great. Maby it is a small bug of some sort. Who knows. It's one of those things that you been trotting along doing great and then you get kinda slammed and not really sick but not quite right in the head either. (Like i was anways.. .but that is another story)

Nonetheless.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was good being around family again in Oklahoma. (even the not so good family) I spent some great time talking with my Grandpa. It's funny because we would look up at the clock and it would be well after midnight and I know that he normally be in bed around 9. Good times.

During some of those conversations, I saw some things that gave me that sense of little kid wonder. I knew I was talking with an old guy. Well into his 70's... but I got these glimpses of his heart still being young and bristling with life. It was like talking to a close friend you have known for years but seeing the voice and actions come from young heart trapped in an old body.

I vowed to stay young. Even when i'm 80 or beyond. Young. Piss and Vinegar despite prostate problems. Come what may.

I appreciated the conversation. I don't know to many old folks who would stay up past midnight talking to a young guy. I was a captive audience. Stories ranging from dogs to the Bible to funny church stories to work to how funny old westerns are to navy stories to missions stories to being on the run in China to cross country trips across the nation before the interestate system to hard times... courage, strength, laughter, struggle, despair, truth, hope... all mixed up together. And chocolate iced with some really great amazing family stories that could never be repeated to anyone.

Then after thanksgiving dinner.. out came my gun. Yep I own a gun. It's in my grandpas bedroom on the gun rack. It's my special gun because grandpa like it so bad I ended up leaving it there and not taking it with me so he could play with it during the year. Right up there with the antique shot guns, 22's the whole nine yards. Ammo under the dresser in the shoe box where it has been for years.

And it's really funny how big a deal this walmart bb gun has become. It has all the prestige of the other guns with the big ammo and then some. Folks let me tell you, a tank couldn't compare to this gun.

This gun united my family. In all out war.

First things first here.

Okay, dad was a recon marine sniper in VietNam. No joke this guy competed and was the top marksman in the marines for several years. Friggin Eagle Eye. I have finally demanded he get his medals mounted and he has started doing that so his grandkids will have something to look at with honor... good stuff ya know. Years before the walmart bb gun we all heard stories of dad showing everyone up shooting and crap. Well he is older now.. out of practice. That means son and other family might have a chance.

Anways, usually it starts with a dr pepper can. Thrown out in the yard. Shooting it all over the yard. Usually when it has made it 40 yards off towards the edge of the woods near the pine trees you can't hardly see it because it's all shot up and you can't move it because of the utter destruction.. K.. now you have to make it spin with each shot... okay.. now you have to flip it up in the air. This happens every year. The exception was this year it became dangerous high stakes.

Rules are you gotta stay on the porch. I mean this is redneck walmart bb-gunnin at it's finest. Another male usually gets involved. This time it was my younger cousin Steve (16) quiet but still kinda adventuresome. The crowd watching usually grows and folks inside start coming out watching the shooting contest.

Bring in a cigarette. Placed on remains of what might have been a dr pepper can. Object is to hit the cigarette.

I nail it. Bottom of the cigarette right above the filter. Broke off the tobacco part and in the paper perfectly in the middle is a razor sharp hole.

Crowd goes wild. Others give it a shot and can't do it. I give it a try again (let me tell you I was believing with all my heart it was luck the first time I actually hit it but surprised nonetheless) I NAIL IT AGAIN perfectly in the middle of the cigarette.

Okay so my cousin tries a few times. Dad is watchin and he is getting that trigger itch. He gives it a try a few and gets dang close. I let all the other guys try since I'm still glowing from the 2 assult strikes and figure they need their chance.

Steve nails it and me and him go wild. We are like... BRO did you see how far away that was!

I pop an altoid in my mouth and had a moment... altoids... white. kinda small... wonder how they explode with a bb from long range.

I kid you not.. We got a few altoids (backups incase we were really good)... put a stick at the end of the yard with a y in it... put the altoid in the middle of the y and it was on like gang busters.

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FRIGGIN HARD. Heart would beat and you would be off the mark. It was all on from here. Then Steve nailed it and this altoid went from a really itty bitty tiny white dot to looking like someone took a handful of flower and threw it in the air. WE were freaking out. Dad gets really interested. He nails one after a few times. We go wild because it's like you can't hardly see it with the naked eye it's so far away...

Me and steve kept at it and soon I had lost a half tin of altoids to the fever frenzy of blowing them up from long range bb-assult missles. Coolest thing ever.

People on the porch increased till there were no more places to sit unless you sat on the porch steps. Conversation would stop before the trigger was pulled. Roaring cheers when an altoid would meet it's demise.

So it's getting late and kinda chilly.. me and steve have about killed our arms have have blisters on our palms from cocking the gun about 8 - 9 times to get good trajectory at such distance. Dad makes the call to move back the stick even farther. I walked way out set it all up. I dono.. 60.. 70 paces away? Dad gets a funny grin on his face..

It was so far away we couldn't see it. Just dark enough you had to really squint. No scope. Dad nails it like a sniper the first time. Me and steve jaw drop. Dad big teethy goofy grin. I'm astounded he actually did it. We try and can't match it.

He is still an eagle eye.

So my bb-gun went back up on the gun rack with all the rest of the guns with the same prestige as the 22 and antique shotguns. Waiting for next year to roll around.

I dono... seems the title fits the blog today. Times changing. I realized some things tonight while spending time at a house where my friend David had come back from south east asia to see everyone.

The other day on the phone, I was shocked to know that he flew from overseas back home and got excited. I dono... this guy had been pretty important guy in my life when so much was going on. He gave me sound wise advise and was there to listen when I needed. And I learned a great deal about family, life, and laughter when around him.

So tonight was pretty special but I realized some things that were rather interesting. I was in a room of people I had not seen in quite some time. Most of them I had not seen in several years or had not even talked to in quite some time. I was thinking about how we used to all be a pretty close knit group of folks who would hang out together... we knew everything that was going on in our lives. Fun times... but thigns change and life happens. And I'm glad because of that. Without change things would become stale and rather empty.

I got to talk to david one on one tonight and he was asking me how things were going with everything. In all reality I didn't have to good of a report to make. I looked back and my gosh it's been a rollercoaster. So I told him about the headaches, Rocky, business deals, mom in hospital... exct... funerals and not much good stuff. And I felt like I was describing a really empty dull book to someone when the book was actually chock full of endurance and hardship, courage and pain... chance and fate - between the lines you could find the bright moments and those little stories that make you want to get up and try again.

Despite the depressing report I did make one statement that I'm alive and still trying. I hated giving such a depressing sorrowful account of the lapsed time between the last we had talked and now becaused it was perceived and returned as empathy.

Here is the moment where I froze time and pondered for what seemed like hours in mid sentence while david was talking.

I have more character now. More endurance. My passion is refined. Objective view is honed better towards reality. I'm making choices now based on wisdom gained from past experienes. I'm stronger. I use my balled up fist against issues and problems with more tact and wisdom. I am more who I was created to be today than I was yesterday because I know God is still doing a good work in my life. It also means I know I'm weak and don't have what it takes all the time to get things done because I'm not perfect. But with mercy and grace I still fight for what is right and good against all odds. For the first time i'm following the music I hear and not what others try to proclaim is the music i'm supposed to hear. This has been my downfall in the past, and now i'm more alive because my soul is echoing the phrases and movements that it was created for.

All that translates down to this: I'm stronger today, and i'm following my heart, and will continue to learn and grow and do whatever possible I can to be the best I can be with God's grace and mercy at my right hand.

So you see.. it was kinda akward for me to be over there tonight. Of course folks ask you what has been going on recently.. and geeze guys... last 2 years have been tough. but I would do it again. Because i'm still breathing. I don't think we realize the strength we are given along with the strength we really have until life challenges the dust off those dangerous parts of our soul: righteous anger, perseverance, tenacity, skill, integrity, courage, boldness, faith, hope...


I would rather winter a storm to know the depth of life rather than relax and never know life at all.

Still being alive.
Still fighting for good.
My cat - he is so cool
That I have a warm and comfortable apartment with thousands of stories if anyone comes over.
For music.
For the ability to hold it together when I'm in pain (btw it has been pretty ok recently - but i'm on the down cycle back into the nasty cycle soon)
For grace.
I'm thankful for Christ - I know he has been doing something recently rather interesting...

I'm really thankful for my good friends. Wouldn't give them up for the world
I'm thankful my business is still going after its 4th year even with it's troubles.

I'm thankful I didn't get into that car accident with the lady who ran the red light at 40 mph and nearly broadsided me when I was turning this morning

I'm thankful for snow.
Rain, and peaches. The beauty of the earth.

I'm thankful each month my finances have been provided for even when i saw no light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm thankful I was adopted. Even with all their quirks and family strange stuff I couldn't ask for better folks. I like tenacious.

I'm thankful to live in the USA. Despite all it's issues and problems... after being in foreign countries... I will never forget the day I went through customs in Los Angeles after returning from China and seeing the US Flag.

I'm thankful for peace... and quiet.

For inspiration.

For mountains. Oh my. What an incredible thing mountains are. I'm still in awe every time.

I'm thankful to have all the opportunities that I have had so far. It's been a blast. There are many things I would have done over again the right way... but I guess learning the hard way sticks better and resolves to more wisdom as to why not to do it again. :)

I'm thankful I have a car. Dang the old one was getting pretty scary.
I'm really thankful for being able to look out the window outside and see somthing pretty instead of someone elses house.

I'm thankful for the people I get the chance to work with and help out one way or another. Even the stupid ones. They make the other folks seem better for some reason. -- lighthearted

I'm thankful for scars. They are good reminders

I'm thankful my past stupidity did not land me in jail.

I'm thankful for love. Even though it has been some time since I have experienced it up close.

My hands hurt -
I have spent several hours playing This Heli and Luge - dang gina.

Anways - this quote has not come back yet. Kinda wondering what is going on over there. They said that they would have something by friday afternoon - but it is monday night now. We will see. - I'm half inclined to go and drop an email but I'll wait and see. If this really goes through, I think I'm good to go. But even if it does not - there is another project I'm working on that will really help shape good stuff as far as ministries are concerned online... Nonetheless - kinda neat I guess.

I resigned my position as net control. For awhile at least so I can get things together and solid. Still working on my CMS system. Got a new domain and looking to get that dedicated server out in california.

All and all i'm chilled out now that I have played those way cool games. Got to the last level where it never ends on Heli. How funny. I never play games especially computer related since I am usually always infront of the computer. I guess any time away from the screen is good.. especially if I win the lottery tomorrow night. LOL

I'm at peace. All things are good so far so we will see how everything works. Need to pay some bills, but got some good projects working right now that will be all good.

Now if this one client goes for the project they wanted... OH My. It will rock.

It's in God's hands. Who knows *shrug*

So I'm digging the Chopin piece apart and oivey. Good stuff. Can't wait to get to the really hard part since it's so fast and way over my head but I guess if I pick it out and get used to it. Did that with the Bach piece awhile back. Will be good to have something else in muscle memory to where you just sit and play...

I still find it strange sometimes playing classical piano. Parts of me are like this can't be right... *stare*

I still love it though.

Well it seems that thanksgiving is right around the corner....

Well today it's all on the line. If I get this contract I'm set and will have the ability to expand and be able to do more. I'm a bit nervous and haven't slept much, but i'm trusting.

I'm trusting in hands bigger than mine because I know they work the clay the best. Nonetheless i'm still nervous.

Come what may, we will see.

Geeze - 5 pm I decided phoey. I sat down at the piano. It's now 1 am. Now it's like quiet and all seems different in a sense. I don't know why. Wrote a groovin jazz piece with some abstract structures and tonal progression and laid down the tracks. Haven't quite finished it up just yet. Thinking of it music theory wise it's really nuts cool. Then wrote another piece just hit the record button really and went after it. I liked that one too... will be keeping that one.

So I got tired and noticed: DAD GUM it's 1 am. And it only seemed like a few moments. Only instrument I didn't play in my house was the djembe and guitar - fingers are raw - I love that feeling. That raw relaxed not hurting but worked out feeling after playing.

So all this is locked up inside and come out in music I guess. I don't know how to describe it. I'll give it a shot....

Music was my first love, first found talent... first passion.. I've cried, laughed, anquished, revolted, soothed, searched, remembered, and healed through music. It's in me. and I feel really idiotic for laying it down and giving it up for awhile after some stupid crap happened at a church.

Anways, i'm exhausted now. It was good playing again. I feel like parts of my being have been resparked. I'm probably more calm right now than I have been in months.

Let me tell you how powerful music has been:

One time in highschool... I was playing the grand piano in the auditorium... I was in love and had not confessed it yet. But it played out richly and poured out intensly in the piece i was playing. I lost my mind in the music... literally went somewhere really deep to where my conversation and language was not my speech - its like your human body is not capable enough of the expression or deepness of the need to communicate but it comes out perfectly like frost being etched on a winter window... it crystalizes....

Radiant.

Better than sex I tell you. Because it's like every corner of your soul gets breathed out and resonates inside the notes.

You know what. My girl walked up behind me - and she knew. She was listening to the whole bit. Later I found out she was standing behind me half the time in a daze. I had no clue anyone was around - I was detached from reality.


Had an experience in china similar but infront of people in a hotel room. All of a sudden this flow of I don' t know what came through me - and I just played guitar and sang... I was checked out - another world... when I stopped playing - all 15 people in the room had tears - and we sat in silence for about 10 min after that.

Sometimes the best music is silence.

Just looked around and saw that the blog was nearly a year old so I started going back and reading some things. Very interesting to say the least.

This has been a whirlwind year. And I also realize I complain alot here - don't really reflect much on what I can do in the future.

I know it is not even thanksgiving yet - but here are a few things I think about now and really just need to express.

It seems that the last 2 years have been incredibly hectic and tragic in many ways. I read back a few posts and saw that I had not been back to Church since April 18th. Right after Rocky's funeral. Need to remedy that some how. So I have a goal to find some place where it's healthy and real and not off the deep end but calm cool and collected and HONEST.

Dats 1 goal.

Geeze business is picking up as of late. Despite the business mistakes I made this year, it helped weed some folks out who were not so great. Just this last month since I left the other place in the dust, i'm about to get a dedicated server - have clients emailing and calling all the time - it's buzzing.

Business goal: Be able to provide changes and services faster and more efficiently and be able to quote people on projects better. Better customer service (i have sucked as of lately because all that has been going on)

Me as a person: Do I like where I am at? Am I eating and breathing? Yeah... But I think it could be better. I've been pretty fitful with all the pain from those evil headaches that have brought me pretty much to my knees and withered my stamina. I'm able to control them better now - it's a good thing.

I'm thankful for the trials and heartaches that were endured. Here is why:
1. Pain: I learned that pain sometimes is a police siren pulling you over and saying you are still alive
2. Endurance: My gosh I didn't know I keep going after all that
3. Faith: I learned how shallow I was and how to react better next time
4. Uncanny Creativity: It's that method of jumping through hoops

All in all i'm trudging forward. Don't know where to step all the time: Doing my best at making sure I quit screwing up things and make the best of it. I'm still single, but maby this stuff will pay off when I actually meet her for the first time. Maby it is training me to be the man that a woman would need, and a father that loves.

In closing: and in a tangent light:

If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is becuse he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music in which he hears, however measured, or far away.
Henry David Thoreau

I'm not turning back till I hear the fat lady singing.

threw together some thoughts and voila - *sigh* It's fitting I think. - and blogger CSS is TERRIBLE - geeze I had to hack a ton of crap just to get it to look like it does at the moment. Geeze

Nonetheless - I kinda dig the red N up there. It's also funny to see a photo when I had long hair pulled back too.. (in Beijing).

Simple and clean. My motto. Let me know your opnion.

There is a wasp outside on my sun porch.

I found how he got in. Curiosity of a wasp led him through a small gap between the screen and the window. He has been out there for 4 days now.

Today I watched him while sitting out there having a ciggy and decided I was going to let him out.

I got a rag and waited. And then pondered.

You know sometime we get ourselves into things out of curiosity and can't find the way out to do what we are supposed to do. We get stuck and walk around for days and days looking and searching. Sometimes giving up and then trying again. Buzz around a bit and get upset. Get tired and quit for a while.

It takes something on the outside bigger than ourselves who can see the whole picture and who is an expert to be able to set us free again.

I tapped on the screen a few times to see if he would drop to where I could catch him. No luck so far. But I'm waiting.

I'm determined to let it go.