I dono... seems the title fits the blog today. Times changing. I realized some things tonight while spending time at a house where my friend David had come back from south east asia to see everyone.

The other day on the phone, I was shocked to know that he flew from overseas back home and got excited. I dono... this guy had been pretty important guy in my life when so much was going on. He gave me sound wise advise and was there to listen when I needed. And I learned a great deal about family, life, and laughter when around him.

So tonight was pretty special but I realized some things that were rather interesting. I was in a room of people I had not seen in quite some time. Most of them I had not seen in several years or had not even talked to in quite some time. I was thinking about how we used to all be a pretty close knit group of folks who would hang out together... we knew everything that was going on in our lives. Fun times... but thigns change and life happens. And I'm glad because of that. Without change things would become stale and rather empty.

I got to talk to david one on one tonight and he was asking me how things were going with everything. In all reality I didn't have to good of a report to make. I looked back and my gosh it's been a rollercoaster. So I told him about the headaches, Rocky, business deals, mom in hospital... exct... funerals and not much good stuff. And I felt like I was describing a really empty dull book to someone when the book was actually chock full of endurance and hardship, courage and pain... chance and fate - between the lines you could find the bright moments and those little stories that make you want to get up and try again.

Despite the depressing report I did make one statement that I'm alive and still trying. I hated giving such a depressing sorrowful account of the lapsed time between the last we had talked and now becaused it was perceived and returned as empathy.

Here is the moment where I froze time and pondered for what seemed like hours in mid sentence while david was talking.

I have more character now. More endurance. My passion is refined. Objective view is honed better towards reality. I'm making choices now based on wisdom gained from past experienes. I'm stronger. I use my balled up fist against issues and problems with more tact and wisdom. I am more who I was created to be today than I was yesterday because I know God is still doing a good work in my life. It also means I know I'm weak and don't have what it takes all the time to get things done because I'm not perfect. But with mercy and grace I still fight for what is right and good against all odds. For the first time i'm following the music I hear and not what others try to proclaim is the music i'm supposed to hear. This has been my downfall in the past, and now i'm more alive because my soul is echoing the phrases and movements that it was created for.

All that translates down to this: I'm stronger today, and i'm following my heart, and will continue to learn and grow and do whatever possible I can to be the best I can be with God's grace and mercy at my right hand.

So you see.. it was kinda akward for me to be over there tonight. Of course folks ask you what has been going on recently.. and geeze guys... last 2 years have been tough. but I would do it again. Because i'm still breathing. I don't think we realize the strength we are given along with the strength we really have until life challenges the dust off those dangerous parts of our soul: righteous anger, perseverance, tenacity, skill, integrity, courage, boldness, faith, hope...


I would rather winter a storm to know the depth of life rather than relax and never know life at all.