I've got to vent. I'm pissed about paying so many taxes although I know it goes to good stuff. I'm pissed about being broke all the time even though for my skills and knowledge I could be making bank. I'm pissed that I have been told that my software was pretty much crap and if I died it would go away with no problem.

I consolidated into a company that I don't much care for right now. My "Boss" which is really supposed to be an equal in this venture has turned into a micromanager.

I have a small debt to pay but can't pay it at this time which bothers me.

I don't get called for lunch anymore. I'm worried that mom now things all I do is piss an moan. I have a ton of laundry to do and foreal I swear when is all this going to go away.

I've contemplated a new job.

One of my really good clients my "Boss" could care less about. That bothers me.

I've screwed up a really good company for all this and I'm not sure why.

Okay I vented.


I know that there are good possibilities on the horizon.
I know that i'm in a different place at this time than I was before.
I know that I don't know what tomorrow may bring so I jump in with both feet.
I know there is a place in a rainforest that I love and wish I was there.
There is a mountain I would love to see again and will one day.
There is an ocean pier I would like to sit and watch the dolphins swim infront of the bows of large tankers and have lunch... that too I will do again someday.

I know my family loves me even when we argue and get hurt.

I'm talented and should use my talents to help and please others.

I understand that I have been hurt in the past and don't know quite how to move on but will try that direction regardless of circumstance or how angry I might get.

I'm not sure how to play the game at the moment. I should probably go back and read the directions.

I feel like I am in a whirlwind mess but that is just my perspective. Maby I should look in different ways.

I could very easily catch a plane to somewhere right now. And not come back.

They have come back again... Somewhat negative in nature. Car accidents.


I understand my brain is processing everything out and I don't make much of it. I just brush it off and go about my way. I think that the whole ordeal is still somewhat unreal.

Mom still can't sleep through the night. She wakes up. I can only imagine what she is going through since she grew up with him. But in some senses... our whole family up there is pretty tight knit. I know them and are around them many more times than I am around anyone in Milwaukee on my dad's side.

I lived nearby in Claremore.... I lived with my Grandparents and Rocky or Ronnie would take us fishing and out to the lake all the time... Fourth of July was always a time all together.... Thanksgiving always...

It's a loss for words. I think we still hurt and probably always will in some way or another. But damn if our family didn't lock hands close together right after that and hold on tight. That is the closest I can ever remember us all being... No one was left out. No one.

On a completely different subject... got a important letter in the mail from the City of Arlington... My first thought was... OH MY GOSH WHAT DO I HAVE A WARRANT FOR!

I have municipal jury duty. I SWEAR FOLKS that my name is like in their batch of people they ALWAYS use for jury duty... At this time I'm like... PUT ME ON A CASE SO YOU WILL LEAVE ME ALONE FOR 2 YEARS FINALLY!

To put it in perspective... 4 times last 3 years that I can remember (county)... mom served on a federal case not that long ago... she has been called quite a bit to county as well... (Dad is not called since he got put in the brig while in the marines and was court marshalled) Lucky snot.

So we will see. Municipal seems pretty easy. All I have to do is call 3pm to see if the case is dismissed on the day they stated. Pretty easy... Federal you have to call every day for weeks at 2 pm and see if you name is on the list... County I don't mind because I bring a book and read. (Last time we were on the top floor of the Justice Center the wind was blowing so hard the building was moving slightly and you could hear the 40 mph wind howling through cracks in the building... a bit unnerving for tornado magnet downtown fort worth)


It's nice and chilly outside today... I think I am going to hunt some antique books down in Grandbury today with Mom.... (i'm out of things to read around here)... maby go get a dublin dr pepper in Dublin later...

Its good to spend time with some family here and there. I think I need it right now as we are all still recovering from the loss of Rocky.


WELL ... I'm back to my coffee and i'm going to get a refill and go outside and have a ciggy in this lovely brisk air. Perfect for me... may all the complainers freeze.

It was a hard day today at church. The first time that I had been back in a while. And luck would have it it was a play that depicted a car accident in one of the scenes.

I lost it. Completely. I didn't know that my emotions were still that raw and wide open. I figured the first second into the scene I would be okay but my body reacted and tears started streaming.

I went outside and sat in the foyer. And wept for awhile. Luckily no one saw me and the people who were walking inside were pretty far away and wouldn't be able to make out who I was or what was going on.

I wept. For what seemed like forver but probably wasn't so terribly long. An older friend of mine came walking down the hall and saw me and sat down next to me. I had been to his house many times. His son was my age and his wife was pretty interesting lady. Somewhat high maintenance you might say... But this man... genius engineer and manager of a world class theater in Fort Worth. He asked if I was okay.

I told him i didn't expect this play to have a depiction of a car accident and explained what happened to Rocky in as few sentences as I could. I apologized for being a mess infront of him and said I didn't realize my emotions were so raw still.

At first he though it was my dad who had been killed. He himself got teary eyed for a moment and explained how he had gone though the situation not that long ago himself... The question was asked whether or not I had seen the play depicted before and I answered no.

It's really just a breif scene.. There is really nothing to it just some loud music and sirens... lights flashing and a girl falling on stage.

And really it was a shock to me how I had reacted but it made me realize how raw I still was just beneath the surface.

The day before I was praying that God would rekindle my heart once again... that no matter what it would take that my heart would breathe his breath once again inside. You know kinda like... when you get so worn out and drawn away and then all this tragedy happens consistently... all this loose baggage carrying around. (I swear up unto this point I was a baggage claim center for Vancouver International) But you are working on your last thread and you start to get some hope here and there. Things look pretty much bleak and with no resolve and you need that faith stoked a bit because nothing is really working...

And I think I got my answer. I know I did. And I was in a safe place to do it with no one around to bother me.

My friend asked me to go back inside and watch the rest of the play because It had a good outlook and he thought it would help ease some tension.

I took the recommendation and went back inside and sat on the very back row... a few seats from where I was before.. but absolutely behind everyone else but within view of the stage. So I got to see the rest of the play and it did turn out really good and was presented in a great way.

But I let it go and didn't care if I was crying for once since everything transpired. And it was a healing hushed (but rather damp) moment alone observing the play but finally greiving.

Best of all it was dark so no one could see me. But I was near enough to someone I knew if I needed them...


But oh that wasn't where it ended. Who cares about the play... it was the quiet worship at the end... the simple songs that I knew and held dear to my heart... not a full band.. .just a couple guitars... and the lights were still dim but showed light that to me for a moment... it was clean. I can't really explain it... but in my mind it was just a clean bluish light that was visually comforting in some senses...

He spoke to me.... "I am close to the brokenhearted." Just a whisper... but with a fervent and remindful tone..

I closed my eyes and had a vision of myself greiving and healing...

Let me tell you I drew a breath and it finally felt like I could breathe again. It finally felt like some tension was released. Here I was thinking that everything was just fine and getting back in order lifewise... Most generally guys do not cry... especially in open public... and I'm not the fan for crying in church.

The greatest thing was bringing my sunglasses with me so I could put them on when I was leaving. I made my escape early out the back and was stopped by Mark (pastor) in the hallway walking towards me. He gave me a hug and YEP. Lost it again...

I told him that some of the scenes really hurt to watch. He understood and told me that he loved me and to call him sometime.

This afternoon I was thinking... this man had not seen me broken since we were in Beijing several years ago when he served me communion and out of the blue I lost it.

Let me tell you I'm not into this woe is me crap and being all emotionally driven all the time. It's a rare instance days like today... I can count them on one hand.


I walked out different... After mark consoling me a bit... (which it is really his position as a pastor to do so in a time such as now) and mostly during the time silently in the back greiving something shifted gears.

I had to reach out and trust a church person again.
I was finally greiving the loss of my uncle.
I wasn't abused by the church in this moment that I needed like I had before.
I know the path is not easy but I still will walk till i'm able to go home.
I don't know about tomorrow but I know about hope.
Safe places are critical to heal.
I myself don't even know how I will react at times and I can't judge myself against what I see about me.
God is truly close to the broken hearted.


So you know what God... seriously today thanks for helping me. Thanks for providing a safe place where I could just sit still and let my greif out. Thanks for not giving up. I'm still yet amazed. Help me to heal some more and heal my family most of all who are probably greiving deeper than I am. Please take care of me because I realize at times I can't always take care of myself and there is only so far I can go before I feel like i'm withering and dying... alone in the fight... battered and broken like what you showed me a kinda spiritual picture of myself earlier today.

You are my strength when I am weak... I'm pretty weak here right now... your grace is sufficient... forgive me for forgetting and for my sin...

I'm not sure if fishing will ever be the same now. In a good way not bad at least... I'm still a bit drained but you know... i'm getting there... mom is getting there. It's kinda a shock to know Rocky is gone. It was so strange holding his arm in the coffin because I kept expecting him to open his eyes and smile... and grab me in a bear hug or make some joke like he usually did.

The funeral was pretty hard. Folding the flag and giving it to Kathy... don' t think I can watch that one again and at least I don't in Rocky's case.

The flowers were beautiful and I got to see my favorite roses there... The dark blood red crimson ones that well up in a bowl.

There are some deeply hurt family members that I only pray time will heal and that hope is stronger than discention. It kills me to see them so angry but at the same time I'm seeing 10 years worth of pain being resolved between family finally for the first time.

It's like I can't get enough being around my family right now. It's almost like I'm afraid to loose someone else... I know things happen in their own time but that does not mean I have to like it.

I did get to see my newborn cousin last night in Wautaga. Brian and his new wife and baby came in from Georgia last night and we had a small family reunion (Texas style with barbecue and sweet tea)... Nathaniel was a beautiful boy... 2 months old. Looks exactly like his dad. But best of all I got to see Brian before he returns to Iraq. I have been worried about him but he is a strong man and full of valor. I only pray he comes back home safe again to his wife and son. We had not seen each other in years and only had written in letters and email back and forth.

So admist the heartache... there is some healing going on and laughter is echoing in the family rooms once again where animocity once reigned.

I need to go fishing alone sometime soon... I know I have some greif locked up inside me yet that needs to escape and I don't know of many other ways to get that to surface in a healthy way. I''ve been strong for mom who is still having a difficult time and bringing laughter and jokes to ease the pain for others and myself... I just need to be left alone for awhile on a bank and just rest a bit.

So we found out that Rocky was not killed by a heart attack. We found out that the paramedic lied to make us feel better but nonetheless ...


The true story is the fact that Rocky was killed on highway 100 near Lake Tenkiller. A home trailer (that was empty) was going westbound towards Muskogee and was going at a high rate of speed. There was someone turning on the highway infront of him and the semi trailer was not paying attention. He tried going in the oncoming lane of traffic to avoid an accident but did not see my uncle on his way home. Rocky swerved off in the ditch at the same time and was broadsided on the driver side of his truck by the semi. The centrifical force of the impact broke the seatbelt and ejected Rocky out the other side of the truck into the embankment after the truck rolled several times and flipped end over end.

I saw photos of the scene that someone took and some detailed shots of the seatbelt. Keep in mind... The entire cab of the truck was pretty much intact with the exception of the broken glass and crumpled impact on the driver side.

They had a closeup shot of the seatbelt of his Red Ford F-150. The seatbelt had not been sheared from anything and was still buckled in place. The stitching completely came loose and was not sheared. It was a defective seatbelt. Brand new in apperance but shockingly defective.

Nonetheless... Rocky was killed. My family is pretty much devastated. Unfortunately with the nature of funerals we saw tons of people we never knew... people who most of us haven't seen in like 10-20 or more years... so with the family being there... you have all these people coming up who know who you are but you don't have a clue as to who they are.

So our family was pretty much exhausted.

We went to see Rocky at the funeral home this afternoon. It was obvious that the impact of the crash broke his jawbone and swelling because of the head tramua. It really didn't look like him at all.

That was a moment in the funeral parlor that I don't think I will ever forget... My grandmothers hand on Rocky rubbing him like he would wake up and weeping...

I think I'm in a daze really. I think most of it is being strong for others and providing a laugh in the tense moments when things get silent... but inside... i'm pretty much devestated myself. I'm worn out and emotionally drained and tired.

I'm glad to know the truth about everything finally and the funeral is Friday at 2pm.

In some senses it is good to see all my family and some extended family that I don't normally get to see. With everyone over at the house this afternoon it was pretty crazy because I kept expecting Rocky to come up and start jabberjawing with the rest of us like he normally does...

I went to Rocky's trailer this afternoon and walked in to see my cousin Kerry emotionally wrecked in the floor holding rocky's glasses and one of his shirts. She took it terribly hard. After a long talk in the floor about everything and us both commenting on how it seemed there was 300 million people we didn't know there... there were a few smiles and a couple laughs eventually. It pained me a bit to hold rocky's glasses for a moment.

My grandpa was talking to me this evening wishing that the funeral was tomorrow... it's brutal keeping him "alive" in a sense... I guess burying our loved ones isn't easy but it does provide some closure.

I'm blank right now... so I'm going back upstairs to my room and going to chill out and not think about anything... I greived deeply last night... I'm sure there is more that I don't even know about that will come out in due time.

As much as death really hurts and is painful and deeply moving... i'm hanging on to the statement that death is just a comma in the sentence of life.

I was out in the backyard picking at the plants and musing over the impatients... I came back in and mom had a broken voice and said that Rocky had been killed on the way home in a car accident. He had just got my grandpa back from the hospital where he got a clean bill of health and took him home... decided to take the afternoon and go fishing... and on his way back home was killed in a car accident.

We called the paramedic in Stilwell and he said that from the look of the accident it seems Rocky had a heart attack on the highway and swerved into oncoming traffic. He was hit head on by a semi and ejected from his truck (even though was wearing a seatbelt) - another car was involved in the accident as a result of the first collision.

So now I'm stunned... I feel like the breath has been taken out of me. My uncle meant a whole lot to me.... so I'm off to oklahoma once again... I have a headache now...

Sometimes I'm so mad at how brutally fragile life is. It's really not fair most of the time...Mom is devestated right now and can hardly speak. I've been pretty much in a daze tonight. and not really functional or thinking at the moment.

I hurt.