I'm not sure if fishing will ever be the same now. In a good way not bad at least... I'm still a bit drained but you know... i'm getting there... mom is getting there. It's kinda a shock to know Rocky is gone. It was so strange holding his arm in the coffin because I kept expecting him to open his eyes and smile... and grab me in a bear hug or make some joke like he usually did.

The funeral was pretty hard. Folding the flag and giving it to Kathy... don' t think I can watch that one again and at least I don't in Rocky's case.

The flowers were beautiful and I got to see my favorite roses there... The dark blood red crimson ones that well up in a bowl.

There are some deeply hurt family members that I only pray time will heal and that hope is stronger than discention. It kills me to see them so angry but at the same time I'm seeing 10 years worth of pain being resolved between family finally for the first time.

It's like I can't get enough being around my family right now. It's almost like I'm afraid to loose someone else... I know things happen in their own time but that does not mean I have to like it.

I did get to see my newborn cousin last night in Wautaga. Brian and his new wife and baby came in from Georgia last night and we had a small family reunion (Texas style with barbecue and sweet tea)... Nathaniel was a beautiful boy... 2 months old. Looks exactly like his dad. But best of all I got to see Brian before he returns to Iraq. I have been worried about him but he is a strong man and full of valor. I only pray he comes back home safe again to his wife and son. We had not seen each other in years and only had written in letters and email back and forth.

So admist the heartache... there is some healing going on and laughter is echoing in the family rooms once again where animocity once reigned.

I need to go fishing alone sometime soon... I know I have some greif locked up inside me yet that needs to escape and I don't know of many other ways to get that to surface in a healthy way. I''ve been strong for mom who is still having a difficult time and bringing laughter and jokes to ease the pain for others and myself... I just need to be left alone for awhile on a bank and just rest a bit.