It was a hard day today at church. The first time that I had been back in a while. And luck would have it it was a play that depicted a car accident in one of the scenes.

I lost it. Completely. I didn't know that my emotions were still that raw and wide open. I figured the first second into the scene I would be okay but my body reacted and tears started streaming.

I went outside and sat in the foyer. And wept for awhile. Luckily no one saw me and the people who were walking inside were pretty far away and wouldn't be able to make out who I was or what was going on.

I wept. For what seemed like forver but probably wasn't so terribly long. An older friend of mine came walking down the hall and saw me and sat down next to me. I had been to his house many times. His son was my age and his wife was pretty interesting lady. Somewhat high maintenance you might say... But this man... genius engineer and manager of a world class theater in Fort Worth. He asked if I was okay.

I told him i didn't expect this play to have a depiction of a car accident and explained what happened to Rocky in as few sentences as I could. I apologized for being a mess infront of him and said I didn't realize my emotions were so raw still.

At first he though it was my dad who had been killed. He himself got teary eyed for a moment and explained how he had gone though the situation not that long ago himself... The question was asked whether or not I had seen the play depicted before and I answered no.

It's really just a breif scene.. There is really nothing to it just some loud music and sirens... lights flashing and a girl falling on stage.

And really it was a shock to me how I had reacted but it made me realize how raw I still was just beneath the surface.

The day before I was praying that God would rekindle my heart once again... that no matter what it would take that my heart would breathe his breath once again inside. You know kinda like... when you get so worn out and drawn away and then all this tragedy happens consistently... all this loose baggage carrying around. (I swear up unto this point I was a baggage claim center for Vancouver International) But you are working on your last thread and you start to get some hope here and there. Things look pretty much bleak and with no resolve and you need that faith stoked a bit because nothing is really working...

And I think I got my answer. I know I did. And I was in a safe place to do it with no one around to bother me.

My friend asked me to go back inside and watch the rest of the play because It had a good outlook and he thought it would help ease some tension.

I took the recommendation and went back inside and sat on the very back row... a few seats from where I was before.. but absolutely behind everyone else but within view of the stage. So I got to see the rest of the play and it did turn out really good and was presented in a great way.

But I let it go and didn't care if I was crying for once since everything transpired. And it was a healing hushed (but rather damp) moment alone observing the play but finally greiving.

Best of all it was dark so no one could see me. But I was near enough to someone I knew if I needed them...


But oh that wasn't where it ended. Who cares about the play... it was the quiet worship at the end... the simple songs that I knew and held dear to my heart... not a full band.. .just a couple guitars... and the lights were still dim but showed light that to me for a moment... it was clean. I can't really explain it... but in my mind it was just a clean bluish light that was visually comforting in some senses...

He spoke to me.... "I am close to the brokenhearted." Just a whisper... but with a fervent and remindful tone..

I closed my eyes and had a vision of myself greiving and healing...

Let me tell you I drew a breath and it finally felt like I could breathe again. It finally felt like some tension was released. Here I was thinking that everything was just fine and getting back in order lifewise... Most generally guys do not cry... especially in open public... and I'm not the fan for crying in church.

The greatest thing was bringing my sunglasses with me so I could put them on when I was leaving. I made my escape early out the back and was stopped by Mark (pastor) in the hallway walking towards me. He gave me a hug and YEP. Lost it again...

I told him that some of the scenes really hurt to watch. He understood and told me that he loved me and to call him sometime.

This afternoon I was thinking... this man had not seen me broken since we were in Beijing several years ago when he served me communion and out of the blue I lost it.

Let me tell you I'm not into this woe is me crap and being all emotionally driven all the time. It's a rare instance days like today... I can count them on one hand.


I walked out different... After mark consoling me a bit... (which it is really his position as a pastor to do so in a time such as now) and mostly during the time silently in the back greiving something shifted gears.

I had to reach out and trust a church person again.
I was finally greiving the loss of my uncle.
I wasn't abused by the church in this moment that I needed like I had before.
I know the path is not easy but I still will walk till i'm able to go home.
I don't know about tomorrow but I know about hope.
Safe places are critical to heal.
I myself don't even know how I will react at times and I can't judge myself against what I see about me.
God is truly close to the broken hearted.


So you know what God... seriously today thanks for helping me. Thanks for providing a safe place where I could just sit still and let my greif out. Thanks for not giving up. I'm still yet amazed. Help me to heal some more and heal my family most of all who are probably greiving deeper than I am. Please take care of me because I realize at times I can't always take care of myself and there is only so far I can go before I feel like i'm withering and dying... alone in the fight... battered and broken like what you showed me a kinda spiritual picture of myself earlier today.

You are my strength when I am weak... I'm pretty weak here right now... your grace is sufficient... forgive me for forgetting and for my sin...