I got a new sampler after christmas. It has been months since I have been able to play keys and it's like part of me died. Literaly. I guess when you are a musician and this part of your soul is satisfied when you create paterns and harmonies that speak volumes to your inner man..... loosing that crushes your spirit.

And I was pretty crushed when the audio went out on my 16 year old piano. Go figure. Funny thing is that 6 months ago is when many things started falling apart. I think what I lost was my stress relief.

nonetheless, it's like peace has come back to me. Even though I am going to be making some tough payments on this thing to pay it off during the year because of the price... but ..

the piano sound is so SEXY .... oh my.... there is richness there again that I have missed for so long.

It's official as of today. 25 years.

Okay so I promise that I'm not changing the title of my blog any more. I created a good graphic design the other night for the template and I will be implementing it soon as I can get a free moment. I can't stand looking much longer at nothing in here but text where it should have some spark behind it.

North Wind Cadence kinda comes from being in British Columbia. It was the wind at times that made the magic because what else blew the clouds... What else brought the rain... what else changed the colors of the water and blew spray from waterfalls into faces.

I just think it is fitting for the plain simple fact that I think anywhere you go there is a north wind that speaks to you somehow... You know those moments when it is all hectic and nothing is going right and your outside for some reason.... you look into the wind and kinda stare off... possibly even sigh for a second and catch your breath.

That kind of stuff sings to me. I swear if I can't grab those moments from time to time I will explode because the way I am depends on some cadence in my life keeping me in check and allowing my mistakes to become bridges. Some are my family, my closest friends, the beauty of nature, the simplest of things... it's all moments of clarity - (and that is another essay I wrote long ago from a different perspective that I might post in here sometime.)

BY THE WAY DID I MENTION to all of you that I am so sorry I screwed up that trip and had it end the way it did. I think there is still a part of me that is reluctant.

Did I also mention that over the years I have pulled some very strange and sick stuff that given today I would never do again with the exception of chasing after beth naked in the pool at Woodland West because that was classic FEAR FACTOR before it even existed. And the exception of the glowing parts session because that was so freaking funny to me I still laugh till tears come.

you guys cant tell my wife okay!

Speakin of wife, I need to get back up to the ice rink and see about Hillary. It's been awhile since I talked to her. She is pretty awesome and just about as sick as I am in humor and what not. Her skating... oh my I could watch her for hours doing all that olympic stuff and never be bored. She would fit in with my group of friends exceptionally well.

by the way just so everyone knows... I hold true the fact I have some incredible friends that have stuck around for so long even when I was doing a bunch of other stuff. So here are the credits do to some people in my life that need to hear I appreciate them...

Jason, Canada Rocked my imagination. Do you think they would let me borrow one of those douglas fir stands to put in my back yard? It would have to come with moss hanging off the trees and full set of ziptrek lines. And you didn't nearly kill me this time! Wow. You are family to me. And I promise I will never tell ashtray stories. THAT WAS AMAZING. By far if i was to conquer the world I would do it with you at my side. Pretty hard title to earn, pretty hard to loose.

Sean, I figured when you got married that you guys would dissapear much like many of my other friends did. It's amazing you are still around. I always enjoy humperdinks and candle parties and you yelling "SPUUUD" like I did something wrong all the time( and in a tone of voice that no one could imitate). The other night you said a few things that shocked me and I realized I probably need to be your friend more than I have been so I'm coming by more often. Shoot pool with me sometime. We can drink and get silly now and no one cares.

Jordan, my Irish brotha from another motha. I'm totally pumped and kinda freaked you are getting MARRIED! WHAT THE HECK I'm supposed to be married not you you little youngun... Out of all the people I can remember I find it amazing you hung out with us and did so much stuff = you and your brother... You have an incredible sense of humor and i love your other half too. You have some great wisdom my friend. I'm sure it will come in handy when raising a little one.

Adam you are in here too. Thanks for not rolling over and sleeping on me in the barn.

Cheryl, I enjoy your laughter and playfullness. Thanks for putting up with us guys when we are over. You give good hugs... Sean picked well!

Tim, I will never forget the night we got pulled over late one night with all my band equipment in my car and you were completely squished behind an amplifier and my bass guitar and explaining to the cop we made a wrong turn. I enjoyed the conversation we had in the car that night and i wonder where you stand today with all that. I'm thankful that grace does what the law could not do. By the way I'm pretty honored by you linking to my blog. I would have not expected that.

Andre - you big black holy cow huge dude thanks for sticking up for me here in the states and watching my back in China. Also thanks for helping me keep my sanity when I really needed to know what was TRUTH and not something out of this world. I guess you really never are a true friend until you clean up your friends throwup and take care of him when you are sick. I hope china was incredible for you and only hope you get to go back again. Although usually you mentor me about a few things here and there, it was awesome to be able to mentor you on the m-field when you really have to be careful. I cant imagine another person that I would go back in the m-field with other than you at my back. You really matured in China..

Brendan, I'm shocked but still hope someday reality comes back.

Jared, I'm praying for your mom. I saw her the other night at El Chico's with my folks and mom got to talk to her and encourage her. I know what cancer is like on a family so I'm praying for yall. Thanks for bringing me originally in with all this.

Thompson. Man you have shaped some things in my life that no person ever could. Sometimes when you spoke it was like God speaking through you and I know it was because some of the things you said were impossible for anyone to know other than myself. I'm on my way to see you in Malasyia as soon as I can. I'll even paint your house again if I have too.

Mark, thanks for being so patient with me and encouraging me when I was at my worst. It takes special people to pick you up from the muck when you probably dont deserve it.

So thanks guys... You shaped who I am today and I'm lucky. As iron sharpens iron so another man sharpens another..

So I totally got pissed tonight. Was catchin up on some folks blogs and what not after cleaning up the apartment (my gosh I still have a ton of laundry to do) but things were zen. So i'm like... Hey i'm going to the store to get a pack of ciggies, dp (the two main staples of my diet) and to top it off a six of shiner. Chill night. Quietly alone all is good nothing is all uptight for the most part.

I walk downstairs and get in my car and forget I was blaring my radio pretty loud to a cool new cd I had so it scared me out of zen-ness. I blink a couple times and go to the corner store where everybody knows your name and they have DP and ciggies (your own brand and the number of packs you usually buy) sitting on the counter. I just wanted one pack since I already have one right now and tell the guy "Just one pack tonight kemosabi".

He giggles in half arabic and rings me up. I walk to my car with my armload of drinkage and nicotine and get inside. Start the car... look to see if anyone is behind me.... Pull out to the parking lot intersection and GEEEZE.

The first thing I saw was the police light they fanagle around from the cockpit. He had to have come up so close to me that I could probably taste his bumber in my ass. I double take and get somewhat nervous like... OKAY WHAT did I do THIS TIME.

Of course they have nothing on me. I'm legal. I'm well over 21.. I'm driving home. I have not been drinking yet. Not speeding doing 5 mph in the park-ling lot. So I turn and the whole friggin time this cop is like raping my exhaust hole all the way down arkansas back to my apartment. I get infront of a van going like 30 mph. So I slow down and hit the brakes and I think the cop got uneasy... He peels around me and is watching me in the next lane... Luckily I turn to go down the street to my apartment and he accidentially turns the other way. I see him try to turn around later in my rear view mirror but by this time i'm near my parking spot.

So I'm like... Geeze thanks for probing my tailpipe.

I was gone not 5 min total and some friggin idiot has taken my parking spot at my apartment. So I'm yelling at the top of my lungs and trying to find some other parking spot less than a mile away. I get out slam the door and yell.... THANKS FOR TAKING MY F------- PARKING SPOT.

Crickets.

I get in the door and see that Cisco has completely knocked over the christmas tree.. Note this tree is only a small one but it is up on a counter away from normal kitty activity.... Little jerk pulled ornaments off and obviously thought he was going to have a good time with something shiny. (Funny thing I threw away all the santa clause ornaments because they were creepy today)

So I yell at my cat and he ducks down and looks at me stupid like "What did I do?"

So all is finally quiet again. Maby some sort of zen. I have my shiner and ciggy and i'm happy.

I used to have a ton of patience when it came to most things but I guess the last 6 months I seriously can't deal with petty things anymore. They grind on my last nerve in lightning speed and I flip and start yelling. Luckily not many people have seen this happen in public. I have been pretty vocal with my car horn when it counts.

I really don't think that people realize that just under the surface lately I'm pretty friggin angry and raw. I can flip on a dime and not realize it till I have said something or done something that I didn't want to do.

I hated the phone call from mom ... You know the eerie phonecalls you get when the first syllable in their voice you can hear that something major is wrong. Dad needed to go to the hospital because he was so sick and his lungs were pretty much shutting down and all.

So above the normal screaming level of stress we got added Dad being in the hospital. Now let me please mention that about 2 years ago I would have cared less if he was in the hospital or not. Something has changed in this man and I think it was a comment that I made while we were in Milwaukee visiting family.

I told my mom, " Why is it that when he comes to Milwaukee he can talk to anyone and everyone about anything but he can't say two sentences to me." It was the damn truth. He was talking about things I had never heard about and things I should have heard about as a father would tell a son, but .....

So I sat astonished.. Mom ended up telling me later after we came back to texas that she had told him what I said to her. After that it was different. I think dad realized that his son did want to hear his voice at times even when some of the things he talks about is pretty far fetched.

In the hospital, while dad was on oxygen I was sitting in the chair listening to him talk to the nurses and doctors, and I noticed something different.

He seemed like a little boy. And he was a bit scared. The man who had killed so many in the jungles of viet-nam as a re-con marine had become scared.

Nonetheless I spent as much time in the hospital as I could and running errands that were needed.

Not 36 hours later we got a phone call that my grandfather was in the hospital for a blood thinner overdose. He was bleeding pretty bad. So that tweaked up my chest a few more notches to where I was breathing GREAT.

My grandfather I respect greatly. He has his failures as does any other man, but over the years he has developed his story telling abilities to where he can bring you so deep inside his head where he dissapears and your reality becomes his story.

I'm intoxicated listening to him talk at times. Partly because I hear the echos of the same struggles and goals within myself that he has lived. During thanksgiving I stayed at their house for several days after Grandpa made a comment that no one comes and sees him anymore and has anything to talk about. I felt pained because this man would still walk the earth for someone in need and will still fight the hard fight for what is right. Those traits I dare hope are tight fisted inside my own character. A day later he mentioned, "Andrew, I hope you dont mind me talking so much... You seem to listen alot and not say much..." I didn't care if I was sitting in the same room for hours because I was seeing a man who had conquered cancer by the grace of God being nursed back to health emotionally by remembering the past.

My Aunt did get pissed at me since we were staying up past midnight every night that ,"HE NEEDS HIS REST AND ANDREW DOESN"T NEED TO BE KEEPING HIM UP AT NIGHT" Although it would be incredibly disrespectful I would have slapped her with that comment.

She was not present when laughter filled the living room as old bluegrass songs and church music was being played on a 1940's (incredible) guitar and myself on a careworn violin. She did not see his eyes light up as fresh music was being played... She did not see his countenance change when he started talking about Washington state when they lived there, and Grandma smiling when other memories were brought to mind.

IN ALL the years I have known my grandfather, it does not matter who is in the house, if he is tired he goes to bed right then.

Luckily both my father and grandfather are out of the hospital. Two men who deserve respect, and really grabbed my attention when they were sick.

It is said that when you stand on the edge of the ocean and look out towards the horizon, the farthest point you can see is 3 miles.

Why is it we keep looking around us so much and can only see 3 miles in any given direction. We get frustrated and "give up". Is life really that shallow?

The funny thing is that when you stand on the mountain K2 in Africa you can see the largest panoramic surface area of the earth in one glance (well over 200 miles). But you have to climb to see it.

Who knows how far you can see on Mount Everest.

So I left the burner on the stove on for like 3 hours when I was working not 15 feet away the whole time. I kept hearing something clicking but couldn't figure it out. Nonetheless my kitchen was nice and toasty with a really good smell of hot metal.

It seems I can't breath again right now. I'm all tight chested and wrung out yet again. But it will get better.

Cisco yet again has rampaged the christmas tree. It's really good thing I put up all the christmas crap because he might have found a way to hang himself in the lights by now the way this guy plays. (Much like another kitten I knew did).

I got facinated today with the color of the lake near sunset when looking out from my porch. There is this brilliant sea green color mixed with mauve and off white color water gets from time to time that I deeply love.

I miss sitting on the beach in florida after work watching the sunset. Those were some amazing times and I think sitting there in silence taught me some things that were deeper than the ocean. I would give anything to go back to those times. It was an awesome job being able to work not 150 yards away from the beach and be able to take breaks and go down to the beach and read or whatever else I could think of.

I had a secret place there that know one knew about. It was pretty obvious where it was if you really went looking for me but it was a place that the nearly 3 months I lived there during my life, no one ever found me lest a couple elderly folks walking back to their condo and some small kids.

Gosh it was my favorite time of the day about 4 pm or so and things were winding down to a minimal. My friends there felt like family and we kept each other in laughter and concern.

I miss laughter and concern as I really think laughter is the vitality of life. Without a smile what on earth would it be good for to continue on. If God created laughter, I could only imagine in the depths of his heart the purest form of laughter he could share.

I really miss laughter in it's purest form. My gosh how it can change a breath into a fantastic whirlwind of pleasure.

I'm totally mesmerised by nature. Seriously. I can be enthralled by the smallest little thing. I guess such is the life of an introvert.

I did get loved on today by Cisco. He was sitting watching me work on the computer and it was time for him to give away kisses. I love it when he purrs so loud to where he make this broken squeak sound. Then he really gets into it and thinks he needs to lick every square inch of hands or feet. Love can be sloppy.

I have a theory that I need to be around folks more often at the moment so I can make more sense of myself. It's not a good time of year to be alone all the time and I think others bring out the best in me that for so long has been quietly waiting and holding on for hope against recent pain.

I have this fish in my fish tank who is a small fry but thinks he is a Baracuda. I have actually heard this small child hit its head on the side of the half inch glass tank. Mind you this is no small fish tank but rather it's 37 gal on a stand and the whole shebang. There is no reason for this little guy to be all spazzy like he is.

It reminds me of some family I have right now that are going through some "land wars" . Grandfather was selling off his land and then my uncle tells my other uncle he is not welcome to get any... Grandmother tells my cousin who I grew up with and was very close to " Don't expect me to babysit" - Tells her sick baby that had to have open heart surgery " DONT get to attached to that baby because it is sick. Infact you shouldn't get attached to that baby because it will probably die anways so you better just find someone to take it"

Who in their right mind says that.


Or get this: Grandfather has an overdose of blood thinners by accident in his system. He is bleeding pretty bad and needs to go to the hospital but grandmother wont let him because she is MAD at the doctor who gave her the flu shot.

It's like dang gina. Baracuda Bonkin against the side of the glass for no reason. Everything is fine and content and well settled and provided for but... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG over and over again

I don't understand some folks sometimes. But then again I guess that is what makes us interesting. Although it has some nasty side effects sometimes.

I don't get it.

I know that other folks are stressed out and are in worse off condition than I but my gosh. When do the floodgates quit pouring out much more than I can handle?

I swear the last 6 months have been the most disturbing and grueling all because of tiny changes here and there. I feel like somewhere in the cosmos a switch was turned on and all the crap came plummeting down. I swear if my chest could get more tighter it would implode from stress.

But in light of that. I realized last night that I am blessed. I have friends that have stuck around for years and I still love them with all their little quirks and oddities and differences. God knows I have been a dick to them many times before, and I can't believe they still invite me around.

It's emotionally wrecking me to leave a church body I have poured out every inch of my soul into. It seems I can't pour anymore, and no one is happy with it. I have bled sweat tears and blood to get everything where it is today and all I get in response is " This is so un user-friendly"

It hurts to have the friends that you have trusted with your life in foreign countries suddenly consider you the scum on their shoes. I don't understand.

I caught a comment on a flight coming back from China while sitting next to a drunk guy who worked for JVC (Hey corporate you might tell your employees not to get so drunk on flights and sweat and moan for 14 hours on the guy next to you on JAL airlines where YOU CANT GET FRIGGIN AIR CONDITIONING BLOWING ON YOU) - *sigh*

Anyways the question was asked: How did you get involved in this... what got you into this position... tell me how you felt called to do this..."

The person was cornered.. He couldn't go anywhere next to me on a 14 hour flight from Japan. His only escape was the video games and the window overlooking the sun setting over the pacific ocean. So I asked him twice.

And something clicked that he didn't like me at that moment. Like he was not in to this for what he was really supposed to be.

He stirred and figgeted in his seat. His eyes rapidly looked out the window. I caught the bull by the horns at that moment. He was only friggin 2 years older than I was and trying to portray himself to be this bigshot which he couldn't answer for with a simple question. Busted.

I helped transition this guy into his position but he now turns on me? It was shocking horror in my mind the reply. Generic bland emotionless fictious response. BINGO - we have a problem.

I need someone to pray for me this next week. I have got to make some decisions about a very serious situation in the right frame of mind and spirit and to be sure that I am doing everything in the way that I need to be. I'm trying to be full of integrity although every man fails.. I'm tring to be a man of grace although men stumble... i'm trying to be a man of justice although men are corrupt... i'm trying to look towards the future, yet no man sees tomorrow.

I can not ache myself and go through another anxiety attack over this situation any longer. Last straws have been drawn and it's either I make a change or I can not go on.. I refuse to give up on hope and mercy which I haven't seem much of recently. Consider it pure joy my brothers whenver you endure trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance much finish it's work so that you are mature and complete not lacking in anything.. It's maturity I want and i know this trial is tempting me in ways I can not imagine.

I could really pull strings and put a choke chain on some folks but I'm trying to keep peace. I have dreams where I am fighting with a sword and cutting off my enemies with truth and valor only to have them rise again. During the day I become weak because this situation has taxed me to the point of not being able to breathe. If I have screwed up then I want to drop aside and start new again. I know I am not perfect but personas about individuals can really destroy a man's life.

It's shocking when the men in your life that you hold high esteem tell you your foundation is crumbled and you are no longer. I'm sick of the wounds and healing process to get back up on my feet. I'm sick of having to convince myself that I will wake up tomorrow and have another chance to make things right when it's nothing I can do to restore what is in their eyes.

I'm sapped of strength folks. I want to know the Christ who really conquered my fears and satisfied the desires in my heart once again. I want to ride on and charge the frontlines once more with honor and vicarious truth yet again. How on earth can I when all my leaders have put me to shame? When new folks come along and make assumptions and decisions based on immaturity and inconceivable motive.

I had one man take me to breakfast that I respected very well in my field. He was deeply concerned about my life as I let him know the situation and the heartache that I was going through. He listened deeply and then told me his own story which nearly echoed an identical situation. He was deeply concerned that my faith had been shook and that I shouldn't put my own relationship with my creator on the same level as whatever situation I was going through.

He was 45 years my senior and had lived an exciting life... He did underground work overseas much like I had and helped set up computer systems for secure communications between the teams out in the field and back home in the states.

I respect his wisdom and concern. And he is right that I have even doubted my faith which I hold fast. It's hard to believe in a religion when something of this magnitude in a mans soul happens.

Scripture says God is close to the broken hearted. Okay if he is close my GOD I NEED to hear your voice and your answers to this situation. You have got to talk to me like you did 5 years ago where I couldn't deny your voice was speaking to me. You breathed life an magnitude into the depths of my soul and it's been sucked out leaving me bleeding and wounded by some petty situation gone drastically wrong. You give men their manhood and the strength to face their trials. I need my portion. I need reality in pure and simple truth and no bullcrap church talk from fake sunday morning christians who hide in their rooms at night scheming plots and lures for the weak.

You have seen me violently angered and spitefully doing things I shouldn't have to try to make sense of this. It's got to change. Now.

It's everything inside me not to sell every last item I have and move away and completely start new once again. But I refuse to let the opnions of a group dictate my worth and reason when my track record runs red with blood I have poured out to gain not for myself but for the good of others. I'm sixpence none the richer and two fold into righteous anger.

I was walking down an aisle of a library stopping here and there to browse a book. The nearly haunting color of cherry wood federal style bookcases punctured quite a contrast to the brightly lit windows. It was chilly.... a light frost that morning... which just covered the corners of all the panes. The air seemed incredibly stale and thin. You could nearly taste the yellowed fibers of paper listing in the air. I pulled the throat of my tunic close.

Something was wrong and I rung my hands. It was a fit of discontent and pensiveness. The years of change reflected in the dull marble floor as I glanced down. I could feel stirring within me. I was pending emasculation to stand in time and never move. Never fight. Never win. Just to float along like the useless untiring dust in the air. To what cause and what formidable goal would it be? Silence was becoming the enemy and honor was at risk.

Farther I walked down the aisle and was blinded by the sunlight pouring in one window.


"Starboard side, lash the riggin' and sto'l the mai'sails! Nevermind the quarterdeck!!" They fitfully started lashing the rigging in the storm. Less the brilliant flashes among the topsails everything looked no brighter than a pewter button. Swells were 30 feet high and the temptest roared its breath upon the commodore and his ship. The stinging spray gave no grace to the men. Some men on the deck slipped from the rigging on their way to the topsails, and were washed with angry sea foam to the other side of the quarter deck. The commodore looked up at me and bellowed an order that spoke vicarious truth and trust..... "COME ON!!"

I rubbed my forehead and kept walking between the bookcases towards the west wall. I brushed it off as some fleeting memory and kept walking. The wind picked up slightly and the barren winter twigs cast dancing shadows upon the floor from outside. Funny. I could taste salt. I stopped for a moment and leaned against a bookcase slightly distressed.

High up in the topsails where men were frantically pulling in canvas, a buckling came loose with a loud snap and shot down below hitting me in my shoulder. Above the howl of the wind, my ears started ringing and I quickly saw crimson running down my arm. The pitch and yaw of the ship knocked the brass monkey of cannonballs across the quarterdeck knocking me and several other men down. I grabbed my shoulder and sat up to watch the cannonballs break through the bridging rail into the ocean. I couldn't draw a breath as hard as I could from landing flat on my back. Sitting up on my elbow I felt the curl of a calloused hand jerk me to standing.... It was the commodore staring furiously into my eyes.." COME ON!!"

I shook myself again realizing that whatever had happend left me with a piercing pain in my shoulder. I could still taste salt and had begun to sweat. I looked over towards the other side of the aisle and spyed a comfortable looking chair. Sitting down I figured I looked incredibly foolish sweating and breathing heavy. I looked down the long hallway suprised that no person was browsing the books. Nothing but the dancing shadows entertained the silent hall.

Something inside the commodore brought me great fear. He commanded great authority and I didn't think I had the ability to do all he requested.To be a failure in the eyes of such a man would be great shame. He kept calling me to .."come on!... Come ON!" What the heck was that about. Why should such a man haunt my very concious forcing me into his reality instead of mine! Why did he keep calling me... Why? To what good was a wounded man knocked of breath among the temptest storm?

So I woke up this morning and was like.. HOLY FREAKIN COW did I dream that foreal? I got in the shower and left the house. Pretty freaky eh?