I know that other folks are stressed out and are in worse off condition than I but my gosh. When do the floodgates quit pouring out much more than I can handle?

I swear the last 6 months have been the most disturbing and grueling all because of tiny changes here and there. I feel like somewhere in the cosmos a switch was turned on and all the crap came plummeting down. I swear if my chest could get more tighter it would implode from stress.

But in light of that. I realized last night that I am blessed. I have friends that have stuck around for years and I still love them with all their little quirks and oddities and differences. God knows I have been a dick to them many times before, and I can't believe they still invite me around.

It's emotionally wrecking me to leave a church body I have poured out every inch of my soul into. It seems I can't pour anymore, and no one is happy with it. I have bled sweat tears and blood to get everything where it is today and all I get in response is " This is so un user-friendly"

It hurts to have the friends that you have trusted with your life in foreign countries suddenly consider you the scum on their shoes. I don't understand.

I caught a comment on a flight coming back from China while sitting next to a drunk guy who worked for JVC (Hey corporate you might tell your employees not to get so drunk on flights and sweat and moan for 14 hours on the guy next to you on JAL airlines where YOU CANT GET FRIGGIN AIR CONDITIONING BLOWING ON YOU) - *sigh*

Anyways the question was asked: How did you get involved in this... what got you into this position... tell me how you felt called to do this..."

The person was cornered.. He couldn't go anywhere next to me on a 14 hour flight from Japan. His only escape was the video games and the window overlooking the sun setting over the pacific ocean. So I asked him twice.

And something clicked that he didn't like me at that moment. Like he was not in to this for what he was really supposed to be.

He stirred and figgeted in his seat. His eyes rapidly looked out the window. I caught the bull by the horns at that moment. He was only friggin 2 years older than I was and trying to portray himself to be this bigshot which he couldn't answer for with a simple question. Busted.

I helped transition this guy into his position but he now turns on me? It was shocking horror in my mind the reply. Generic bland emotionless fictious response. BINGO - we have a problem.

I need someone to pray for me this next week. I have got to make some decisions about a very serious situation in the right frame of mind and spirit and to be sure that I am doing everything in the way that I need to be. I'm trying to be full of integrity although every man fails.. I'm tring to be a man of grace although men stumble... i'm trying to be a man of justice although men are corrupt... i'm trying to look towards the future, yet no man sees tomorrow.

I can not ache myself and go through another anxiety attack over this situation any longer. Last straws have been drawn and it's either I make a change or I can not go on.. I refuse to give up on hope and mercy which I haven't seem much of recently. Consider it pure joy my brothers whenver you endure trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance much finish it's work so that you are mature and complete not lacking in anything.. It's maturity I want and i know this trial is tempting me in ways I can not imagine.

I could really pull strings and put a choke chain on some folks but I'm trying to keep peace. I have dreams where I am fighting with a sword and cutting off my enemies with truth and valor only to have them rise again. During the day I become weak because this situation has taxed me to the point of not being able to breathe. If I have screwed up then I want to drop aside and start new again. I know I am not perfect but personas about individuals can really destroy a man's life.

It's shocking when the men in your life that you hold high esteem tell you your foundation is crumbled and you are no longer. I'm sick of the wounds and healing process to get back up on my feet. I'm sick of having to convince myself that I will wake up tomorrow and have another chance to make things right when it's nothing I can do to restore what is in their eyes.

I'm sapped of strength folks. I want to know the Christ who really conquered my fears and satisfied the desires in my heart once again. I want to ride on and charge the frontlines once more with honor and vicarious truth yet again. How on earth can I when all my leaders have put me to shame? When new folks come along and make assumptions and decisions based on immaturity and inconceivable motive.

I had one man take me to breakfast that I respected very well in my field. He was deeply concerned about my life as I let him know the situation and the heartache that I was going through. He listened deeply and then told me his own story which nearly echoed an identical situation. He was deeply concerned that my faith had been shook and that I shouldn't put my own relationship with my creator on the same level as whatever situation I was going through.

He was 45 years my senior and had lived an exciting life... He did underground work overseas much like I had and helped set up computer systems for secure communications between the teams out in the field and back home in the states.

I respect his wisdom and concern. And he is right that I have even doubted my faith which I hold fast. It's hard to believe in a religion when something of this magnitude in a mans soul happens.

Scripture says God is close to the broken hearted. Okay if he is close my GOD I NEED to hear your voice and your answers to this situation. You have got to talk to me like you did 5 years ago where I couldn't deny your voice was speaking to me. You breathed life an magnitude into the depths of my soul and it's been sucked out leaving me bleeding and wounded by some petty situation gone drastically wrong. You give men their manhood and the strength to face their trials. I need my portion. I need reality in pure and simple truth and no bullcrap church talk from fake sunday morning christians who hide in their rooms at night scheming plots and lures for the weak.

You have seen me violently angered and spitefully doing things I shouldn't have to try to make sense of this. It's got to change. Now.

It's everything inside me not to sell every last item I have and move away and completely start new once again. But I refuse to let the opnions of a group dictate my worth and reason when my track record runs red with blood I have poured out to gain not for myself but for the good of others. I'm sixpence none the richer and two fold into righteous anger.